When walking into your first fraternity chapter meeting as a pledge you take a long look around the room to see what type of guys are in the fraternity that you just joined. You see a lot of preppy Scott Disick looking mother fuckers with the biggest lips of chew in that you have seen since you watched the World Series. As your eyes start to make their way down to the front row you notice some old geezer staring at you with a look on his face like a priest looking at a young boy. You instantly think “Who the fuck is this guy? And why do I feel violated?” This Mr. Rodgers looking asshole is your fraternity’s chapter alumni advisor. Every fraternity has a chapter alumni advisor and every chapter is required to have one. Some are more involved than others, but there is one thing you need to understand and that is he is your Kim Jong-Un to your North Korea.
There are many things that you can count on you chapter advisor doing. There is one thing that you can count on and that’s he will always talk about himself to no end. There are two types of chapter advisors: the advisor that was extremely successful after he graduated and the unsuccessful advisor that never left the college town and lives off his wife’s paycheck. Either way your chapter alumni advisor is usually a huge prick that is still trying to cling on to the glory of his old college days. It’s kind of like those “Van Wilder” movies except in this case Van Wilder was 40 years older, has erectile dysfunction, and his face looks like that extra skin on your elbow. In reality you would imagine the chapter alumni advisor to be someone who just absolutely killed it in college. I’m talking about that fastest at shotgunning a beer, fucking the hottest girls in each sorority, or being a past fraternity president who brought the fraternity to a whole new level. And that’s where you’re fucking wrong. The reality of it is, is that the chapter alumni advisor was probably some goober ass Steven Glansberg virgin that people didn’t even know was in the fraternity and in turn didn’t hold any positions. Most of the guys that killed it during their college years are usually burnt out and want nothing to do with the fraternity. The only time these guys want to get involved again, is if the fraternity is providing free tickets to a football game and tailgating spot where they can pirate drunk like the old days for some alumni event. Your alumni advisor will not be one of these guys, he will be sipping some hipster gluten free craft beer in the corner trying to brag about his job or some bullshit.
If there is one thing you can count on it’s that your alumni advisor is going to rant for at least half of your chapter meeting. Most of the time during a chapter meeting the usual criteria will be discussed and the pledge master or someone will say something like “I’m all about the pledges cleaning our places, but I don’t want some nark cleaning in my bedroom.” That’s when the alumni advisor will lose his shit. He will rant on and on with something like, “I can’t believe you guys are having them clean your rooms, you guys are the laziest chapter that I have ever seen!” It usually doesn’t end there he will go on and on about it just trying to make his point. The fact of the matter is that he rants like this because much like Blake from Workaholics he has a micro penis and will try to assert his dominance in any situation that he can. The best part about his rants is that he thinks that after your going to be like “Wow he really opened my eyes.” But in reality after everyone leaves all we do is talk about how he needs to get laid or needs to find a hobby that isn’t harassing kids, because this motherfucker has too much time on his hands. A lot of the time he will just keep ranting because he had a bad day and needs to let out some steam. It’s much like that dark video we have all seen where the dad is all pissed from a long day at work and comes home and kids the dog. You just have to remember that your life is better than his and he is a closet masturbater/alcoholic.
The worst part about the alumni advisor is that he always wants to be your pal or friend. The alumni advisor will always suggest to the seniors something like hey let’s all go out and grab a beer. This is literally every seniors worst nightmare. There are three different ways that going out to drink with your alumni advisor can turn out.
The first way is that you get your usual Charlie Sheen wasted and have a great time, except your alumni advisor is old as shit and tries to keep up with you guys and goes drink for drink to try to seem cool and ends of vomiting everywhere in the bar. At this point you’re like fuck I can’t just throw this old man into a cab by himself because this sketchy, rapey, Jake Gyllenhaal looking cab driver will probably harvest his organs. So you have to get into the cab with his old prune smelling ass and go with him in the cab to his place. The second way is that you guys go drink for drink with you and everything seems to be going pretty well. You guys are shit housed and he is buying plenty of rounds. It is at this point he suggest that all of you guys that you should all go out to a strip club or has he calls it a “Titty bar”. You think hell this might actually be fun, it’s until you get to the first strip club and he knows the bouncer by name and the bouncer won’t let him in and says something like “Hey (insert name) you know that you’re banned for life after last week’s shenanigans.” It’s at this moment when your like, “How the fuck do you get band from a strip club and two what the fuck did I get myself into.” This goes on for two more strip clubs until finally the one strip club in middle of literal bum fuck Egypt let’s you guys in. When you get in you have never seen a man look at women with such lust. He is grabbing them and groping them like he is a high school kid on molly at Coachella. It’s at that moment you realize that his guy is someone’s father or even worse grandfather. The third way going out for drinks with your alumni advisor can go is that you guys can have general alright time drinking beers and throwing back shots of Jim Beam. It’s around your 7th shot where you start to get that liquid courage and decide to tell your alumni advisor how you really feel about him. It’s in that drunken moment where you tell him that you don’t respect him and actually the whole chapter thinks he’s a huge pussy. That’s when everything goes to shit. He starts yelling, fleas from the bar and leaves you with a huge tab. Next thing you know he quits and your dumb ass is looking for a new alumni advisor to babysit your wet brain asses. All in all just don’t go out for drinks with the old man nothing good can come from it.
With every fraternity unless you’re some weird geeky ass GDI fraternity trouble is always looming over the chapter. Trouble is something that fraternities have been famous for for the past few years and it seems like the allegations are getting worse and worse each year. With that being said, let’s be honest fraternities break the rules. It’s because fraternity members break these rules and push things to the limit is why they have so much fun, which result in notorious nights of booze and girls. With all of these great times there is a sure enough chance that eventually the chapter is going to get in trouble with the school. Depending on the magnitude of the situation the alumni advisor can put himself on the line and defend you to his grave or like many alumni advisors they will say deuces you guys are on our own. It has been proven that an alumni advisor that doesn’t have a huge job and making millions will defend you to the death of him. This is the type of alumni advisor that you want and need. The referral from a real adult that has spent hours with a chapter really does mean a lot to the IFC (Inter Fraternity Council) and this could be the difference between getting kicked off campus or just a slap on the wrist. The alumni advisor that has made it big and has made “Millions” is the type of advisor that will usually just leave you in the dust when trouble comes around. The reason they do this is because they don’t want their perfect reputation to be tainted. It’s kind of like with Michael Phelps got caught smoking pot and the company Kellogg’s drop his ass from sponsorship. This sucks because this type of advisor has been grilling you all year but once the block get hot he bounces like a little punk bitch.