When you first join a fraternity as a pledge you really look up to the guys that are running the meetings, which is the executive board. You are thinking that you want to be just like them and one day have their position…… And that’s where you’re fucking wrong. These types of positions look good on resumes, but when everything is going to shit you’re the ones to blame. Every fraternity varies, but most executive boards consist of a President, Vice President, Secretary, Treasurer, and Security (Risk Management).
The President is the face of the fraternity so usually he is somewhat good looking. You really don’t want your President to look like Gollum from Lord of the Rings. The reason for this is that when your President meets with all of the smoke show sororities, you don’t want them seeing some freak burn victim looking mofo and come to the conclusion that that’s what you all look like. People say ‘don’t judge a book by it’s cover’, but we all know that’s one thing besides drinking Starbucks and buying shoes hot girls are good at. Besides not looking like Darth Vader without the mask, your President has to be somewhat intelligent and have a level head. Smarts are key when it comes to being a President of a fraternity because they usually have the final say in which way a chapter moves forward. With that being said you don’t want your President to be some nerd with a stick up his ass who refuses to let you have parties at your house because he is too scared that Blackout Sally is going to get an underage drinking ticket, but you don’t want him to be some booze head Charlie Sheen character and that gets your chapter kicked off campus. It is also important that the President has some sort of real power and respect over the guys within the fraternity. Without respect or fear for the President, no one will listen to anything that he says and you will end up with a chapter run much like the Middle East. Being President of a fraternity has its many perks. Girls love a guy with power, responsibility, decently good looks and respect from their peers. It really makes them weak between the knees. When you’re President, if a fraternity event is inconvenient for you or just doesn’t work in your schedule you can just change it to another date. You have the ultimate power within the fraternity. With all of these perks there are the cons which every President fears. There is a 100% chance that there will be some drunk dick head in your fraternity that majorly fucks up and puts your chapter at risk. You would imagine that the responsible person would have to answer for their actions, but you’re completely wrong; it all falls on the President. You can bet your ass that IFC (Inter Fraternity Council) will lube you up and really fuck you. When it comes to being a Fraternity President, try to do it like old Slick Willy (Bill Clinton). Get some ass, avoid all conflict and try not to leave your fraternity deeper in the shitter from when you took over.
Vice President is Mr. Behind the Scenes, also known as the President’s bitch. He literally doesn’t get credit for shit and ends up doing all of the President’s work that he doesn’t want to do. Usually the Vice President ran for President and was well qualified and should have won… But didn’t because he is scared of girls, drinks like a 90 pound high school chick and is a 21 year old virgin. A huge reason why the Vice President isn’t President is because he commands zero respect, but has held so many positions and gave back to the fraternity so much that you all decided that he probably should be on the executive board. Voting for him is kind of like hooking up with the chunky chick who keeps throwing herself at you. You know you shouldn’t but she’s got you all boozed up and wants it so bad that you’re basically obligated to. The Vice President makes sure that the other small chair positions like philanthropy, intramural, composite, and community services chairs actually do something; basically nanny them like Mary Poppins. The difficulty with watching over the other chairs is that these smaller chairs are run by younger guys that are really just about boozing and taming some strange. This usually frustrates the Vice President because: 1. none of these young guys care about what he is saying, and 2. they are getting more ass than a toilet seat while the VP is stuck doing the shit work drinking his Mike’s Hard Lemonade. With that being said the Vice President does get a few perks that come along with his shit storm of a position. Since he is in charge of all of the chairs, when the fraternity pairs up with sororities for philanthropies and socials he gets to have first say in which ones to choose. The Vice President also has the final say in where the fraternity will be going for their formal which is a huge deal. A fraternity formal is basically when the whole chapter goes somewhere like Las Vegas or a lake of some sort and rents a large portion of a hotel. They basically just drink as much as the guys in the movie “The Hangover.” The Vice President’s position is a lot of work, but does give you some real life experience in terms of managing literal simple minded fools. If you want to be the next Ari Gold this position is for you.
A fraternity secretary is basically a high school substitute teacher. Everyone yells at you and no one really gives a shit that you’re there or who you are. They have a few responsibilities, but the one that you are best know for is calling roll at meetings. In a fraternity the secretary is usually some nark that wanted to be on the executive board without having to do anything. This guy usually gets a real power boner and loves to remind you that he is on the executive board. The funny part is that every time he calls someones name for roll during chapter that isn’t a complete goober they will reply with a response like “Here ya dickhead” or “Over here fucktard”. The reason why people are usually so rude to the secretary is because another job of his is to constantly text and call you to keep you up to date with events and meetings that are happening with the fraternity. You would think at first glance, “Wow what a nice guy.” But that’s where you’re wrong; it just makes it easier to pick on this nark for texting and calling me everyday. You will always see a response in a group post or chat like “ Stop calling and texting me (Insert Secretary Name) you creep fuck, you’re more clingy than that freshman I banged last semester.” It’s not that people hate the secretary or anything like that, but it is a proven fact that if you text or call a guy in a fraternity constantly there will be some sort of backlash. The secretary is also responsible for sending all formal documents on time to headquarters. This seems like a simple enough job (literally just set multiple reminders in your phone you lazy nark). If documents are not on time or not correct the chapter can be hit with huge fees by headquarters. These fees could mean the difference between not having a date party or another formal. If the secretary were to fuck this up he would probably be tarred and feathered and sent down Greek Row. With all of that being said it is really hard to find any perks of being secretary other than just saying you’re on the executive board. Just telling chicks that you are the secretary makes them think that you are some Nancy, skirt wearing, Smirnoff ice drinking pushover. There is always the joke that you will hear about the secretary that the only reason why he is on executive board is so that he could be a real “Monica Lewinsky” for the President.
This is the most important position on the executive board. This is probably the smartest person in the fraternity and is possibility probably the only Jewish member for your fraternity. He deals with the chapters entire budget which is tens of thousands of dollars. For this position you need someone who is nerdy, smart and a real stickler about cash. The reason why this guy can’t be a ladies man is because what if he gets shit housed at the bar and accidentally uses chapter funds to buy a group of sorority girls 30 rounds of lemon drop shots and half of your chapter funds are gone the next day. That’s why in this position there has to be a real sense of trust, much like how Luke Skywalker trusted the force. With that being said, when you are the treasurer you have to be at every single event just in case the chapter needs money for more supplies or anything like that. You’re much like the baby daddy of the fraternity with all of your pregnant baby mammas coming to you for some extra dinero. The reason you have to be there is because you can’t just give the chapter debit card to anyone because in case you haven’t noticed or seen the news at all, fraternity guys are a bunch of booze heads who cannot be trusted with large sums of cash. It’s much like leaving an infant baby in the pool alone…. You’re gunna have a bad time. Also another pain in the ass of being treasurer is that you are responsible for collecting dues from everyone in the chapter. Fraternity dues are not cheap and many members pay dues themselves and don’t get a lot of support from mommy and daddy. College kids hate giving up $800 or so a semester. This is one reason why the treasurer will get shit on a lot and called a “Money grubbing heeb,” because he has to pressure his friends into giving him their money. It isn’t particularly his fault, he is just doing his job, but anyone that takes all of my summer savings is going to get an ear full. With all of this being said the treasurer position gives you great real life experience and looks great on a resume because you deal with so much cash at a time. All in all, this is the one position that matters the most in the fraternity because without money the whole chapter falls apart, much like Mexico.
Security Or Risk Management
When people are running for this position they are thinking, “Wow everybody is going to listen to me and respect me, I will be like the only Sheriff in the wild wild west.” Except unlike all of those John Wayne movies, as the Sheriff you are going to have to go through the shit, much like the beach and trenches of Normandy France on good ol D-Day. The Risk Management position is basically there to make sure that everyone stays safe, doesn’t get too boozed up or hospitalized, and to make sure that members don’t do something so wet brain that the chapter gets kicked off campus. You’re thinking “Hey, that seems simple enough. Just be the regulator”, and that’s where you’re fucking wrong. In case you haven’t seen the news lately, fraternities Risk Management chairs haven’t been doing the best of jobs. From chapters getting kicked off campus for drugs and the “alleged” sexual misconduct, fraternities across the country have really been getting it up the ass lately. With that being said you are an army of one trying to watch and take care of a whole chapter of pirate drunk assholes while being the only Sober Sally at the party. The worst part about being Risk Management is that you have to be sober at every date party or social that you have with a sorority. You would think that having a social with a sorority and having another Risk Management chair there to help you would be cool, that right there is where you are fucking wrong again. The Risk Management chair in a sorority is literally the most fierce bitch that you will ever meet in your entire life, much like that crusty old Hillary Clinton lady. You have one conversation with her and you instantly realized that her snatch may have teeth. As much of a shitty job taking care of your friends is, it does have its benefits. Everyone in the fraternity will respect you and unlike anyone else on the executive board, people will listen to you when you are yelling at the top of your lungs. The fact that you strictly stay sober so that in the off chance the cops come you will be there to talk to them is highly respectable and people will commend you for that. Another perk of being Risk Management is that during a party there will be an instance when one of your brothers is acting like Simple Jack from “Tropic Thunder”, and is trying to do something like jump off the second story of your house. In that moment when you act like the responsible person and scream at him until he gets down is when all of the girls with daddy issues will flock to you like Charlie Sheen to cocaine. With all the negatives and positives of being Risk Management, just try to handle the position like the good old United States of America, friendly and tolerable, but fuck with us and we will bomb the shit out of you.
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