1. The High School Star
This kid is by far the most talented player on the team. He usually played all four years of high school on the varsity team, but just didn’t have the skill to go to the next level. The reason why he didn’t make it to the next level usually has something to do with his height and in turn has little man syndrome. He will always remind that if coach had played him more or if he was just a little taller he could have made it to the big leagues. The fact of the matter is he is playing college intramural sports where Kevin Hart could be the best player on any given team. This is the kid who cries after losing an intramural championship. The fact of the matter is that he has trained literally all year for this and has yet to give up his high school dreams of making it to the big times. Unless he is some sort of Jackie Moon character and own his own franchise there is literally no way he will ever have his dreams come to fruition. The best part about this type of player is that he literally never passes than blames the rest of the team for losing. At the end of the day this guy makes himself look like a total jackass because he has yelled at the ref more times in a single game than he has gotten laid in his entire life.
2. The Athletic Kid
This is the kid that is literally juiced out of his mind and is one every single sports team for intramurals. He plays soccer, softball, basketball, and football. The kid is an all around athlete, he is like the Michael Jordan for college intramurals. He isn’t the best player on the court or field but he is a step better than the average Joe a just about every sport. The one negative about this kid is that he wants to play every second of every game. Also he usually doesn’t understand the game, he just knows how to run fast and to be physical. He is a classic work horse. This is the kid that after the other teams scores a touchdown or something he drills them into the ground for no apparent reason but just out of pure competitiveness.
3. The Tall Guy
Every sports intramural team has the one kid that all he is good for is being tall. He usually has some weird nickname like “The Serbian” or “ Daddy Long Legs”. This is that most non athletic fucker on the field. Every time he goes down everyone is thinking this homie just Yao Ming style broke his ankle. He makes up his non existent athleticism by being freakishly tall like Andre The Giant. Even though he is as skinny as a holocaust victim he can grab rebounds, catch any high ball, and people seem to think he can hit bombs in softball so they always tend to back up. Besides him being at high risk to tear an ACL he actually has some use for the team and contributes quite a bit.
4.Mr. Never Plays
This is the kid that signed up for the team and literally never plays and it is for good reason as well. Nobody really knows why he is on the team but a he is usually a really nice kid who just wants to be involved. This kid looks like your average fucking goober. Usually pretty overweight and doesn’t look like he has even seen the inside of a gym before. I like to picture him with a nice red curly Jew fro but that’s just me. He always complains that he is never allowed any minutes. It is until he bitches and complains so much that you finally let him into a game that you are obviously going to win and he does nothing but prove you right. The first time he gets the ball he will start running the wrong way down the field or court to score. He ends up scoring on his own team and celebrates accordingly. That’s when you call him over by his nickname probably something like Simple (Insert name) come sit down. Once he realizes what he has done he then knows that there is no possible way that you will be letting him play another single minute of any game no matter by how much you are winning. It is important to have a kid like this on your team because when you’re losing you’re going to need someone to make fun of for comic relief.
5. Student of The Game
God this kid is so fucking annoying. He never played the sport in his entire life but all he does is watch ESPN and actually knows quite a bit about the game. He is basically a player coach and does put a bit of good information into the game. He literally never scores a point even if he is wide open he would rather pass because he believes that assist count more. The reason this kid pisses everybody off is because he is usually screaming at the top of his lungs dishing out orders and drawing up plays. When you take a look at him you and easily tell that he doesn’t have the physical capability to even contribute to the team, all he has is his knowledge. There will be that one moment during a game when it is all tied up and the game is on the line. He will draw up some bullshit play that he had seen on ESPN that night before and for some reason you trust him and decide to run the play. It’s in that moment when you win the game off his play, that he finally get all the credit that he has been striving to get. Then everybody starts celebrating like Owen Wilson and Vince Vaughn in “Wedding Crashers.”