In every single fraternity there are a few kids who just don’t quite get it. Here are 13 signs to see if you’re worthy of the Goob stamp. If you find that any of these relate to you go drink a sixer and think about life.
1. Never bringing a girl to the date party.
Every fraternity since the dawn of time has had date parties. The idea is simple, find someone of the opposite sex and bring them to the party as your date, have a few drinks and have a fun time. If you constantly find yourself coming to date parties solo thinking you can pick up on other brothers dates just go ahead and fuck off you goober.
2. Gossiping about other brothers.
Have you ever seen the show “Beverly Hills Moms”? Well if you and your friends are chatting like them in the morning after a big party saying “OMG I can’t believe he had sex with her” or just talking shit behind one of your “brother’s” back and then acting like you guys are best friends ten minutes later. Those are telltale signs that one, you are a punk bitch and two a goober.
3. Scarce when it comes to any physical altercation.
Everybody has their personal fears with stuff they generally just don’t mess with. But if you are always the kid running from a fight, whether it be a brawl with the fraternity that lives next door or just collapsing down to the ground in fetal position avoiding a big hit when you and the brothers are playing tackle football. I hate you. Maybe you help with the fraternities GPA? But that’s literally all you’re good for. You baby deer legged goob.
4. Having a blast at a party they voted down
For many fraternities that live together whether that be in a large mansion sized house or an apartment complex, voting on having parties will always be an issue. But if you’re that asshole who keeps ranting about how the cops are going to come or that you have to study tonight (Even though it’s a fucking Saturday), but then find yourself going down to the party and ending up being the drunkest girl there smashing every glass bottle you can get your hands on. There is a 10 out 10 chance you’re a nark goober.
5. Being a HUGE creep at parties.
Just don’t be a creepy fuck it’s a simple as that. If a girl says, “Please stop you’re being a creep.” It’s not because she’s a bitch or on her period or anything like that. It’s probably because you have her cornered by the bathroom with a look on your face like one of those serial killers from Criminal Minds and all she can smell is the 18 Barton’s vodka shots on your breath. You creeps endanger everything that the normal members build in terms of sorority relations. So piss off and go hit on the girl with the wonky leg you creep goob.
6. Always being in typical “Frat” wardrobe.
Nobody’s quite sure how this whole “Frat Attire” came about but there are some theories. If you are dressed every single day in your sperrys, your Chubbie brand shorts that are so short and tight that one of your nuts hangs out, with your polo shirt two sizes to small so that your “Bros” can see when your nipples are hard. You’re doing it all wrong. Don’t get me wrong there is a time and place to “Frat Out” but not every single day and not in shmedium clothing. If you get your girlfriends booty shorts mixed up with your shorts your %100 a goober.
7. Failing at every intramural sport.
There is always that kid who sits on the bench throughout the whole intramural season who claims that he is really good, but not a soul believes him. Then one game he complains so much that you give him a shot and he somehow manages to catch the ball, (Which is a miracle in your eyes). Then proceeds to prove you right by running the wrong way down the court and scoring on his own team. If you are out of shape, unathletic, but not quite heavy enough to be considered fat and still not fat enough to help in the tug of war, there is a high chance you’re a goober.
8. Never having the stones to ball a pledge.
During rush you meet a lot of kids that you think would be great additions to your fraternity, but as the semester goes on you actually start to get to know some of them and decide “Hey, this kid creeps me the fuck out,” and he has to be balled (Kicked out). This means that the chapter has to vote on the pledge to officially kick him out of the the pledge process. There is always that one kid who is a little pansy and refuses to vote them out. He will say things like “We can change him,” or “Give him a chance it’s only the third week.” The fact of the matter is that you only want to keep this creepy little pledge because you yourself are a creep and want the rest of the actives to stop making fun of you. Just stop paying dues and go away you goober.
9. Never taking any sort of risk.
Playing it safe is a classic telltale sign that you are a huge fucking goober. A traditional goob move would be too afraid to leave the pregame to go to the party in fear of getting an underage drinking ticket. Now this is the kid that the rest of the guys in the fraternity makes fun of constantly and they have the right to do so because he is a huge fucking pussy. You and the guys will be hanging out and checking out really hot girls as they walk by and he will say something like, “She probably has herpes” and everyone will turn to him and literally want to Brock Lesnar style smash his face in for ruining a beautiful moment.
10. Engaging in lazy hazing.
This is the kid at the end of the pledging process that the pledges hate the most out of everyone in the whole fraternity. This is the fucker that has the pledges over at his place every single day making them do dumbshit that he is just too lazy to do himself. He will abuse the sober driver program constantly and have them get McDonalds even though his fat ass has a car. There are always a few good pledges who drop because of him and just don’t want to deal with his bullshit and frankly who can blame them.They just don’t know that he is a goober shit eater that nobody likes.
11. Ruining their AUX cord privileges.
Nothing is worse than being at a huge fraternity party with two chicks grinding on your front and back, next thing you fucking know “Achy Breaky Heart” by Billy Ray Cyrus plays and the chicks scatter. Everyone turns to see who has the aux cord for music and who else could it be except Goober McGoobenstein playing terrible music making everybody’s dick soft so everyone throws their beer at him. Goobers, don’t ruin a good thing so we don’t have to waste beer.
12. Unnecessarily extending chapter.
Every Sunday is chapter I don’t know who picked that day but probably someone who worships satan. Everyone’s cumulative hangover from the past three days of binge drinking is starting to hit them, there is football that everyone is missing, and frankly it just smells like booze and shit in the room. With all of this being said everyone just wants chapter to be over so they can relax and watch football, but there’s always some dumb ass composite chair or risk management who just has to ramble on and on for an extra 30 minutes to make themselves feel important. The fact of the matter is nobody cares about you or your goob ass position, so shut the fuck up.
13. Rushing other goobers.
This is the most dangerous sign of a goober and it’s because they are always trying to reproduce. Goobers are like bacteria when you have one or two around it’s not that bad, but if you ignore them they will reproduce and consume your whole chapter. No matter how old or how much leverage a goober has over you do not let them rush at all, period. They will try to recruit more freaks, creeps, and goobs. Next thing you know you’re having a Amish themed party, drinking punch with no booze and guys are playing hacky sack in the courtyard.
Did we miss anything that is goober-worthy? Let us know in the comments below.